* I assure you, this is not about you. The person with whom I experienced this situation doesn't read this (or any?) blog. (And I apologize in advance for my uncharacteristic Ranty McRantypantsedness.)
In general, and with the specific exception of my New York Syndrome, I have a pretty long fuse. (Heh.) As I get older, I find myself gaining patience in most areas of my life, but...losing it in others. It's not necessarily a bad thing, not entirely.
To wit: at the grand old age of 30, I've decided that -- to me -- the singlemost hurtful behavior, the one that rips my heart up, is social climbing. That's my dealbreaker, ladies, and I swear to you: I would genuinely rather someone be a straight-up jerk to me than use me; hanging out with me when it's a good time for them to do so, when there's no one better. I really do try to think the best of people, and this type of person knows it, preys on that, and exploits it. They know you'll make up an excuse in your mind for why they did [Thing X], in order to explain it away to yourself. And then finally, when you DO ultimately pick up on it (and you will, at some point), you have a "KEYSER SOZE!" moment, only instead of shattering a coffee cup in slow motion, you just get mad at yourself, in retrospect.
The thing with this behavior, the part that's so knife-twisty, is that it says, indirectly, "you're unimportant. I catalog people. You are less valuable than [person X]," but it hides behind a smile. And while this behavior enrages me, what gets me more? Is that whoever is doing it to you thinks so low of you that they're counting on you not to say anything. Maybe they even think you haven't picked up on it, which is even more insulting. "You sweetheart. You marshmallow," that smile says. That smile is a pat on the head, dripping with condescension. Good girl. And you get filed away, cataloged right back into the neat little bottom-drawer file folder in her mind where she keeps you.
And let me be clear: the "sooo high school" label for this (and other, equally awful) behavior is dismissive, inaccurate, and diminishes its (very real) existence. I assure you, certain people are horrible throughout their lives; it's not endemic to one brief four-year period.
While I do wish I understood what makes people think it's okay to act like this, I'm ultimately okay with not getting it. I'm okay with not confronting it (because it's a particular type of deep-seated meanness, to the point of habit, that isn't going to change), and I'm okay with walking away. Like I said: it's my friendship dealbreaker.
What's yours? I'm curious.
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27 comments:
I won't willingly spend time with anyone who is racist. I just can't do it. I have a mixed race family and I won't abide anyone (friend or family) that could see my boys as some how less than.
I never post on here but this riles me BIG time!
Lying - I cannot stand blatant lying!
Dealbreaker!
~Mad(elyn) in Alabama
I have very little tolerance for exclusion. I'm not a fan of people who leave me out intentionally, or moreover, get a kick out of leaving others out. I tend to be a very "the more the merrier!" and "everyone's welcome!" type of person in most situations, and when people are exclusionary it makes me not want to be around them.
Unkindness in general and being judgmental in particular. I live in a community where the majority of people are of one religion and which often breeds judgement of each other's "righteousness". It's pretty awful and unfortunately common and I cannot stand it.
Ooh, this really is mine, too. I think because it is so covert. Someone being a total douche/racist/bigot . . . that stuff is obvious. You can call it out and move on. But what you are describing, when people are social climbing - you can't exactly call them on it, when they are syrupy sweet to your face. We have some people in our lives like this that are pretty tightly woven into our circle, and few people see what they are doing. It drives us crazy. We call them "sidlers" because they sidle up to whoever they think is cool in a given moment or context. And yes . . . they are in their mid-30's. I agree, not just a high school phenomenon, but more of a life-long thinly veiled narcissism.
Wow. Thanks for providing me this opportunity to rant. I feel better now. :)
I've decided that 2011 is the year that I'm done being friends with people who make me feel bad about myself. Especially people with "perfect" kids. Whose kids are "gifted" and never get in trouble. And choose to tell you this when you are going through a difficult time with your children.
- (re race) Dropped one because she said she wouldn't "date chocolate". My jaw hit the floor.
- Same friend who was overtly rude to waiters which was killing the lunches, so it would've been own reason - the chocolate just made it easier.
- The couple people who didn't call, write, or send flowers after my son died. You think I won't remember WHY "it's been so long"?
I think my major one is people who cannot make time for other people. Or people who are selfish (I sound like a Centerfold) - people who are all bogged down in their own stuff but can't take five minutes to check in on other friends when they are having a hard time. I have phased people out for that. It's just not worth it for me to spend my energy on someone who cannot do the same back, ever.
Social climbers suck. I had a college friend who moved back to my city after grad school and wanted to hang out all the time, but when she found "better" friends, she always chose them over me.
I have only encountered this once or twice, but I couldn't stay friends with someone who is so miserable ALL THE TIME that it is actually unpleasant to hang out with them. I complain just like everyone else, but I'm mostly a glass-half-full person.
My friendship dealbreaker is someone who I can't trust. As soon as they violate that trust, they're done.
Jealousy. We all see things in others' lives that we would like to have in our own, but I am basically a "happy for you, wish I could have that too" kind of person when those moments come about. But there are people who want what you have and DON'T want you to have it. I hate jealousy. It prevents any kind of true friendship developing and poisons everything around it.
Closedmindedness. Is that a word? That's mine.
Personal convictions are one thing (and they're great!), but I cannot stand to be around people who insist on going through life with their eyes closed and their hands over their ears because "that's how I was raised." I don't care if we have polar opposite opinions on everything, as long as we're able to talk about our views and respect each other like adults. Maybe it's because I live in the Midwest and come from a very conservative area, but I am SO SICK of people who are "correct" in their beliefs all of the time, but refuse to even try to see the other side.
Okay, putting the soapbox away...
Thank you for putting into words something that I've experienced within my own circle of friends so eloquently. It's hard when the people doing this to you are also your neighbors, and you live in a small town.
Interesting post. I'm going something similar with a friend and it breaks my heart!
So, first, I just want to say that I can't imagine people putting you lower than someone else. You're kind, funny, and so easy to be around. Do. Not. Get. It.
I have a lot of dealbreakers -- I'm really picky about who I spend time with because I don't mind being alone, so why spend time with someone who saps my energy? That's healthier for me -- I'm better with a smaller circle of people I truly like, because trying to make it work with people I just don't click with does nothing but wear me out.
I wouldn't call it a deal breaker, but lately it's been really pissing me off when my friends have no life. As in, I have kids now and a husband and I have no life? I am a full time working mom and I think it's a priority to make SOME time for friends and some kind of social life. Again,not a deal breaker but it really gets me.
Interesting post...sounds hurtful? Sorry....
Best,
Tina
Respect & Trust. Once you lose it, then there is no turning back. Glad to hear that I am not the only who tries to give others the benefit of the doubt. I just kick myself when I get burned. Why do I have to keep learning these lessons?????
I really don't know. I guess I've never let a friendship go on purpose. I have a couple friends who never return phone calls and when they call to make plans the plans never materialize. I still consider them friends. I even have a friend from highschool who was really friendly when I first moved back but never has much time for me because she hangs with richer (literally) people than me.
The only cases I can think of are those where a friend got a significant other and suddenly no longer participated in get togethers with our group. I guess I'd still be their friend though if they decided they wanted to hang out ever.
Social Climbers. I didn't know the term for the action, but man, I dislike people who do this. Thus far in life I've only *known* about one SC in my group of friends, and I was 20 before I realized it. She's a selfish, self-centered, user of people, and I have no tolerance for it, especially after seeing other "friends" disappointed by her not being there for them. She's the only person I've ever come across that I can be blatantly rude to and not feel remorse. Her $30k, "black tie invited" wedding (in MONTANA; where NO ONE owns a tux)? I drank 3 bottles of wine and was a hateful bitch. Think less of me for it, but damn it felt good to tell her where to shove it.
whew. Needed to get that out, didn't I?
So true. Social climbers are pathetic. Anyone who "ranks" other people is not someone I want to be friends with.
I think Amy had mentioned exclusion. That would be one of mine. Being left of intentionally I think has to be one of the most hurtful things friends do to each other. The other is when people belittle or gossip about each other for having or not having something. Ex: Good job, relationships etc. I find the high school frame of mind only gets worse with some people as you get older.
Asshole dream behavior. You know of which I speak.
My friendship deal breaker is when people excessively talk badly about others behind their backs. Firstly, you walk away knowing that they have lots to say about you too and it makes you wonder if they care that their gossip may come back around to them. My second deal breaker is people who try to make you feel badly about yourself. I had a friend who no matter what I told her would laugh hysterically and say " are you serious? That's soo funny."
And all I heard was " you are sooo weird." I felt like a jerk dropping her but she broke both of these deal breakers. You got to surround yourself with the right people.
My dealbreaker is when someone can't agree to disagree with the way I live my life and parent. The people that take offense at how I do (or don't do) things instead of just letting us be different, and be ok with it! I just hate it when friends morph into each other and never have differing opinions for fear of losing said friend. If you can't be yourself then it's not worth it!
Steph
THIS! Totally drives me nuts too! My husband I get invited to do lots of fun embassy things in DC where we live, because of his job, not because we're the "important" people. We go in so optimistic--surely this will be the time we meet some new nice people! We will be friends and drink wine together! But then we get jackass after jackass shaking our hands and literally looking over our shoulders at the same time, to see who else is in the room.
It's the lack of genuineness that gets me--leaving me completely dumbfounded everytime.
I feel as if I put myself through surrounding myself with ignorance, racism. The last straw was father of someone I worked for made a comment on a card that I had for school grants -and I thought to myself, some people may let that roll off thinking their paychecks are more important, but for me, it wasn't something I didn't want to take home with me after work or in a career, or a part of my value system. I will not perpetuate ignorance. I don't laugh it off because if you're smart, you'll realize you're being complacent. I will not ruminate about it or even let them think I am inferior. I see the parents bullying and then it's instilled in their kids. I'm not saying I'm better, but it's a career/friendship dealbreaker for me. That and lack of loyalty in friends because someone's hipper than you. I won't ruminate or stress over it and you should not either, Metalia, for deplorable behavior.
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